You're gone!/?

Yesterday, I still could see you standing there so far. Today, I see no shadow of you. You finally disappear. You're gone. And now, I really suck. I really live like a shit. You ask me to live my life on. But how? If my life is gone as well. My life is you. I told you that I need 'step by step' going down this stairs. You ask me to 'jump', and for sure, I 'fall'. And I don't know how to get up.

I really got fatigue being a beggar. This time I won't beg. I won't beg. Let my own life ruins me.
Now, will you really become somebody that I used to know?

Spaceless Heart

Can't breathe again. Huft... Why like this? Sorry my dear Lord, I'm not complaining, but it's really huge inside. Yes, something's stuck there. Unfortunately I see no existence. So, how to pull it out? It glues there. Oh hell, what happened to my heart? Arrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh Wanna cry out loud and puke this shit out.

It's bad idea to just teach me how to love, not how to stop it.

Why Him? Why Not Me?

Love is faultless. Yes, I start to believe it. After it took a long time discussing to myself and eventually I agree to let the guardian go. Talking to my  high ego was a hard nut to crack, fortunately it results a decision that love is not to be possessed , but present a happiness. Let the guardian go to where the guardian should be, yes, my heart hold no more.

What I want is simply watching the guardian smiling. I just wanna witness it. Making sure the guardian is happy there. Yet, I see no smile. The guardian said 'the Crab' is inside. Again and again the guardian suffers more. The guardian expects no care of me. The guardian needs time. No, I can't wait any longer because I must know how the guardian is. I must guarantee God looks after the guardian as what I pray every night.

If this thing becomes such complicated, why don't God make it simple. Lay 'the Crab' on me, not on the guardian. Why He chooses the guardian? Why not me? Why not me?

God's Good Girl

I thought I'm like another girls in common. Having a fun childhood, growing as a teenage, finding love, getting married, looking after cute children, growing old together with a valentine. Sadly, God wants me to be different. He gives me a special story. He lets me losing my beloved one.

So be it. Sometimes, some people are better staying in heart, not in life for some reasons. Though, it is a hell when a person who used to gives the best memories, now that person is just a memory. The most hurting thing isn't remembering those who hurt you but being left by those who color your life with smiles.

Really sorry my dear God. It is not blaming You. I'm just a girl who looking for the reason why it is happened. Even sometimes when I've found it, I'm still pretending I know nothing. I beg you, dun let this change me. I just always wanna be Your good girl.

Tears again

I have tried to smile to the sun this morning. But what I got is cry. I don't know who or what is wrong? perhaps me. Stupid me. Eternally stupid girl. Oh Lord, take me, take me out of this ocean of misery. Yes, I used to be a strong girl. I used to face it. I used to fight it. But this too much tough. I am swamped.

Dear my God. Don't let this change me into 'un-me'. I always wanna be Your good girl.

Tuhan Keliru?

Orang bilang Kau tak akan memberikan cobaan diatas batas kemampuan. Maaf, jika aku mulai ragu. Karena kusaksikan sendiri diri ini sudah hampir mati. Menyerah memang pilihan salah, lalu harus berbuat apa jika berjuang hanya sebuah bayangan hampa. Berjuta kali kucoba bersahabat dengan hidup, tapi senyum tak ku cicipi sedikitpun.

Jika benar orang-orang bilang, sudikah Kau mengisi ulang? Energi, ya energi untuk manantang matahari lagi.

Dunia Berlalu demi Dirimu

"Aku bisa meninggalkan dunia, aku mampu kehilangan isinya, sepenjang kau bersamaku." Geli aku dulu mendengarnya, kini aku mengerti arti setiap katanya. Sungguh, tak kubayangkan sebelumnya, kau akan melepaskanku. Sejak saat itu, pasir dan debu menggantikan bunga dan kupu-kupu di hati dan haripun diisi kebekuan diri. 

Senyum tipuan di muka menyamarkan tangisan hati dalam persembunyian. Menjadi orang lain dihadapan orang lain. Karena memang tak seorangpun semestinya tahu cinta yang salah ini akhirnya melukai.

Melihatmu pudar perlahan dari pandangan, dan tak berdaya, hanya berdiri terdiam. Memutuskan untuk menutup mata sebelum kau seutuhnya menghilang, berharap ketika membuka mata kau ada dengan utuhnya bayang-bayang. Sayang, bukan itu yang ku dapati, melainkan air mata yang mengaliri pipi. Dan kau, seutuhnya, tiada sisa.

Jika cinta ini dianggap sebuah keburukan yang semestinya memang pergi, maka aku akan mengemis keburukan itu kembali untuk mendapatkan sedikit kebaikan di diri. 

Begitu dasyatnya dirimu, kehancuran yang ku peluk ketika kau berlalu.