Jangan Membenarkan Hidupku dengan Standart Hidupmu

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No Condition in Hate

Banyak orang bilang untuk mencintai sesuatu atau seseorang terkadang tidak diperlukan alasan. "There is no condition in love." Bagaimana dengan membenci?

Seseorang diperbolehkan untuk mencintai sesuatu atau seseorang tanpa alasan. Jadi, bolehkah membenci sesuatu atau seseorang tanpa alasan pula? Jadi tak payah menjelaskan panjang lebar kenapa tidak menyukai barang atau orang itu.

Jika seseorang yang dibenci bertanya, "Kenapa kau membenci aku?" Jawab saja, "Haruskah ada alasan untuk membencimu? Sama halnya mencintai sesuatu atau seseorang tanpa alasan. Aku membencimu tanpa alasan. Yang aku tahu, AKU HANYA TIDAK SUKA."

'Mati' Terhormat

Terkadang 'harga diri' dan 'idealisme' sering membuat seseorang tidak menang dan menyerah. Yes it absolutely is. Namun kalah dengan cara 'terhormat'.

Banyak orang berkata kepadaku, "Bodoh sekali kau! Kau punya kelemahan mereka ditanganmu, tapi kau diamkan. Dan kini kau mati dengan konyol." Jadi lebih bodoh siapa? Memenangkan sesuatu dengan cara curang atau aku, the loser who try to reach it in a fair play?

And many dogmatists also sermonize, "Oh, come on girl. Do not live your life too wise. You ain't an angel. You know what? I'm sick when you behave as an angel on this devilish earth."

Well, I feel... I'm feeling good when I die as an angel. Yet, it is a shame when I survive as an evil.
So be it. Paling lama tiga hari, dan semuanya akan lupa kekalahan itu.
Jatuh? Get up! Fight back!

Die as a man of honor and get loud applause.

Sakit

This fucking heart is pain, again, and I don't know how many times it's been. I know what it is caused by, poorly I don't know how to get it off. It's been a hell heart since somebody tells me about this shit. Breathless. I guess Death will greet me earlier than it should be. Just wait for it then, now closing the eyes and smile to it.

And somebody's stuff is hugging me tonight.

You're gone!/?

Yesterday, I still could see you standing there so far. Today, I see no shadow of you. You finally disappear. You're gone. And now, I really suck. I really live like a shit. You ask me to live my life on. But how? If my life is gone as well. My life is you. I told you that I need 'step by step' going down this stairs. You ask me to 'jump', and for sure, I 'fall'. And I don't know how to get up.

I really got fatigue being a beggar. This time I won't beg. I won't beg. Let my own life ruins me.
Now, will you really become somebody that I used to know?

Spaceless Heart

Can't breathe again. Huft... Why like this? Sorry my dear Lord, I'm not complaining, but it's really huge inside. Yes, something's stuck there. Unfortunately I see no existence. So, how to pull it out? It glues there. Oh hell, what happened to my heart? Arrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh Wanna cry out loud and puke this shit out.

It's bad idea to just teach me how to love, not how to stop it.

Why Him? Why Not Me?

Love is faultless. Yes, I start to believe it. After it took a long time discussing to myself and eventually I agree to let the guardian go. Talking to my  high ego was a hard nut to crack, fortunately it results a decision that love is not to be possessed , but present a happiness. Let the guardian go to where the guardian should be, yes, my heart hold no more.

What I want is simply watching the guardian smiling. I just wanna witness it. Making sure the guardian is happy there. Yet, I see no smile. The guardian said 'the Crab' is inside. Again and again the guardian suffers more. The guardian expects no care of me. The guardian needs time. No, I can't wait any longer because I must know how the guardian is. I must guarantee God looks after the guardian as what I pray every night.

If this thing becomes such complicated, why don't God make it simple. Lay 'the Crab' on me, not on the guardian. Why He chooses the guardian? Why not me? Why not me?

God's Good Girl

I thought I'm like another girls in common. Having a fun childhood, growing as a teenage, finding love, getting married, looking after cute children, growing old together with a valentine. Sadly, God wants me to be different. He gives me a special story. He lets me losing my beloved one.

So be it. Sometimes, some people are better staying in heart, not in life for some reasons. Though, it is a hell when a person who used to gives the best memories, now that person is just a memory. The most hurting thing isn't remembering those who hurt you but being left by those who color your life with smiles.

Really sorry my dear God. It is not blaming You. I'm just a girl who looking for the reason why it is happened. Even sometimes when I've found it, I'm still pretending I know nothing. I beg you, dun let this change me. I just always wanna be Your good girl.

Tears again

I have tried to smile to the sun this morning. But what I got is cry. I don't know who or what is wrong? perhaps me. Stupid me. Eternally stupid girl. Oh Lord, take me, take me out of this ocean of misery. Yes, I used to be a strong girl. I used to face it. I used to fight it. But this too much tough. I am swamped.

Dear my God. Don't let this change me into 'un-me'. I always wanna be Your good girl.

Tuhan Keliru?

Orang bilang Kau tak akan memberikan cobaan diatas batas kemampuan. Maaf, jika aku mulai ragu. Karena kusaksikan sendiri diri ini sudah hampir mati. Menyerah memang pilihan salah, lalu harus berbuat apa jika berjuang hanya sebuah bayangan hampa. Berjuta kali kucoba bersahabat dengan hidup, tapi senyum tak ku cicipi sedikitpun.

Jika benar orang-orang bilang, sudikah Kau mengisi ulang? Energi, ya energi untuk manantang matahari lagi.

Dunia Berlalu demi Dirimu

"Aku bisa meninggalkan dunia, aku mampu kehilangan isinya, sepenjang kau bersamaku." Geli aku dulu mendengarnya, kini aku mengerti arti setiap katanya. Sungguh, tak kubayangkan sebelumnya, kau akan melepaskanku. Sejak saat itu, pasir dan debu menggantikan bunga dan kupu-kupu di hati dan haripun diisi kebekuan diri. 

Senyum tipuan di muka menyamarkan tangisan hati dalam persembunyian. Menjadi orang lain dihadapan orang lain. Karena memang tak seorangpun semestinya tahu cinta yang salah ini akhirnya melukai.

Melihatmu pudar perlahan dari pandangan, dan tak berdaya, hanya berdiri terdiam. Memutuskan untuk menutup mata sebelum kau seutuhnya menghilang, berharap ketika membuka mata kau ada dengan utuhnya bayang-bayang. Sayang, bukan itu yang ku dapati, melainkan air mata yang mengaliri pipi. Dan kau, seutuhnya, tiada sisa.

Jika cinta ini dianggap sebuah keburukan yang semestinya memang pergi, maka aku akan mengemis keburukan itu kembali untuk mendapatkan sedikit kebaikan di diri. 

Begitu dasyatnya dirimu, kehancuran yang ku peluk ketika kau berlalu.

God, Let Him be Mine in My Second Life

Dear God, You say nothing is wrong in love. But why I can't have it. I'm just a kid and You take my lollipop away. You take my love away. I do nothing but cry. They say "something you love doesn't mean good for you". They say "God gives you what you need, not what you like". I am on powerless, so please God I desperately beg You, if I cant have him in this life, let him be mine in my second life then.

They say "You will give better for those who being patient". I will try to trust what they say, and believe it.

Comfortably You

So heavy. It has been ten months, yet still couldn't let u go. Still questionin' why, why, 'n why? Oh my gosh. No progress at all. I'm standing still here without a single movement. Dreamin' all day long the time when I was with u. 'N that freezes me of future. It was because too comfortable, too much comfortable beside u. Time's passin' me by, yes, 'cause time 'n tide wait for no man.

'I love u', u were always whisperin' it in my ear. Those erase-less words 're just too beautiful.

Rindu Mengakhiri Aku

Ketika rasa itu datang disaat kau tidak mengharapkanya. Karena kau tahu, itu hanya membuat mu bertambah lemah. Lemah karena kau tahu memang tidak mungkin bisa lagi dia berada disisi mu. Tuhan sudah berkata 'tidak', dengan doktrin Nya yang benama 'dosa'. Sekali lagi rasa sakit itu memeluk mu malam ini. 

Menutup mata, menghirup udara dalam-dalam, dan menghelanya perlahan. Berulang kali, dan lagi. Hanya itu yang bisa kau perbuat. Terkadang kau berkata kepada dirimu sendiri bahwa semua akan menjadi baik, tetapi kau sendiri tidak tahu kebenarannya. Bertanya lagi kepada dirimu sendiri, bukan lagi kepada Tuhan. Sampai kapan harus bertahan, karena kau sudah tidak mampu lagi berjuang. 

Banyak orang mengatakan orang-orang seperti dirimu, yang sedang berada dibawah, tidak akan mungkin bisa bertahan dalam kesendirian, tapi kau berdiri disana tanpa teman, benar-benar sendiri. Bukanya kau tidak mau ditemani, tapi keadaan yang mengharuskan mu sendiri. Dan banyak orang bijak berkata ada Tuhan disana. Dan kau pun tak mau menjadi pengkhianat agama. Kau masih mencoba meyakini Tuhan ada bersamamu. Tapi keraguan itu muncul, tanpa kau inginkan.

'Menyerah', 'mengakhiri', dua kata itu ribuan kali bertamu di otak mu. Benar-benar lelah, kau pun ingin menyudahi semuanya. Tapi kau masih punya jutaan alasan yang 'memaksa' mu untuk bertahan meskipun tanpa daya. 

Dead inside alive body

Pain, inside heart, it's dreadful when it comes.

I totally never expect openin' my eyes in the next morning.

Dawn comes, again 'n again still starin' the light of sun, too bright, it hurts my eyes.

Same as tortured heart.

It is like, there is millions of stones loaded in my heart.

Blockin' the air.

Tryin' to take many deep breathes, yet it doesn't help.

Then, tears start goin' down on my face.

Cryin' out to God beggin' His help. Hopelessly, I voice nothing, or He hears nothing?

Dyin' in an, still, alive body.

Love: I Start 'It' Wrong

It was like 'something odd' touched ur heart, so warmth.

Closin' ur eyes enjoyin' how 'it' was huggin' ur heart comfortably.

U 're doubt to open urs worryin' 'it' disappear.

Yet 'it' was still there, when u 're finally opening urs, then.

Smile, and more smiles, it was like 'something strange' ticklin' u, no stop, bein' completely mad.

It was like a heavenly airplane fly u above where u live.

It was like havin' colorful balloons when u 're a little child, staring 'em adorin'.

As if nature sold everything they have for ur happiness.

And all along u believed everything went perfectly as u wish.

Flyin', flyin' high, higher, and higher, u didn't realize Thor closed to u holdin' his Hammer.

Disaster came, a little bird was greeted by storm and lightning in the bright day.  

That was what happened 'cause ur love would break the law, they said, they said.

To end ur love was the only absolute way they offered, they offered. 

Stood still, amazed, tears started whisperin', every single thing was gone.

Not a thing was left.

It was like ur first step was ur finish line of life.

Still hopin' u 're in nightmare, and would wake up soon. 

Unfortunately, It was an immortal nightmare. And nature gave u a tragic smile.

Beggin' ur love came back with ur twisted tongue.

Till fatigue came on ur close-less eyes and ur homeless.

And finally bein' addicted of the sadness.

Beautiful Life: Delightful Struggling

When the world dissolves into nothingness, ‘n I still so young, like a sparrow harassed by a storm, yet still fightin’ back.

Yes, fightin’ back. ‘Cause the only I have is fire, fire of desire, only the desire to fight. Nothin’ more.

Be the one who doesn’t wanna make peace with my own fate.

Be someone from nothin’ become an outstandin’ .

Dive down to the bottom of every ocean of problems.

Dare to dream a beauty that I'm not sure it exists.

Dare to try, though there is no guarantee I will succeed.

Learn to dare, as well as darin’ to learn.

Not afraid of somethin’ whose truth ‘n real are so uncertain.

Not embarrased of bein’ in error or doin’somethin’incorrectly. Errors and mistakes will consolidate the truth.

The older becomes, the more complex life confronts, so with more courageous to face it.

Sometimes, the hardest tings come from the unofficial prosecutor of life, mankind. They create a new  law of their own. ‘Cause each moves in different passions. They’re born  out of unfulfillin’ reality ‘n of differing images of themselves, of what they wanted to become.

Believe God, the only official prosecutor of life, will not be still. Will let me be free with my own life dancin'.

My only own fave space: Bein' solitude in the sacred night

Bed room. Yes, this room is a private space. U urself is the only owner of the key of this personal room. U urself the one who be able to open this heavenly universe.

Silent night. I do adore these words. When all bodies are lyin' down on vessels of dreams left by the souls, I am still awake, pinnin' back my ears to the earth's steady breathin'. 

Solitude is the next loving word. Common folk says that solitude is such havin' no one and nowhere like walking in blindness. For me, in solitude Lord with me in the form of musical sounds of nature. They are singin' in a perfect symphony. I have no bounds in my room, my adventure playground. By closin' the eyes, I'll see sky as my room's ceilin'. Let my imaginations jump out of my head, runnin' about all night long. When they get tired and back into my head, time and again, in the very early dawn, it is a command to really close my eyes. It is turn to my soul picked by butterflies voyagin' to a distant dreamland leave me in sleepin' beauty, waitin' a kiss of the knight of sun-shine to wake me up.